Let’s pretend this is a letter to Angela Duckworth, whose article in The New York Times, “I Study Successful People. They Have One Habit in Common” reminded me how I went from going at life alone to realizing that asking for help is the ultimate power move.
Everything changed when my eyes fell upon the word interdependence in a parenting book as I read on a bench outside the preschool where my first born played. What a concept!!
I had always believed independence was the only way to live. If I wanted to be taken care of, get stuff done, go places, it was me, myself, and I. Now, a variation of that stared at me.
Interdependence is the state of relying on one another, where two or more people, groups, or things mutually depend on and affect each other while maintaining their individual autonomy. (Merriam-Webster)
Why at that moment did I notice that word was the brightest star in the sky? Because marriage, motherhood, and a major move had expanded responsibilities, and brought challenges. I was still pretending to be “Ms. I Don’t Need Your Help; I’ve Got This” and it wasn’t so great.
I had to train myself to ask for help. As I examined my new vocabulary word I saw the value of tossing my bias of interdependence.
That required
embodying its spirit
which required
getting more comfortable with my own imperfections
which required
admitting to myself that leaning on others was not a failure on my part, but natural and normal
which required
vulnerability
which required
giving up striving
which required
being compassionate with myself, noticing the good, and forgiving the mistakes.
Bit by bit, I shared what scared, hurt, or overwhelmed.
Bit by bit, I cared less of how I was perceived and received and more about being true to myself.
Bit by bit, I felt a load was lifted. The armor of perfectionism had proved weighty.
I found greater joy from greater intimacy as I connected more deeply with others.
Leaning on others and asking for help is a solution, not a surrender.
In her Times article, Angela Duckworth wrote that “research has found that a willingness to ask for help is crucial to achievement.” Her own personal anecdote highlights how it can even be life saving. She recounts a snorkeling excursion with her mother where gave up being the rescuer and signaled for the urgent assistance needed.
So, go for it, ask for help.
Don’t hesitate; think about how you feel appreciated when someone asks you for help.
What do you need help with in your life?